I have been sitting here looking at my computer waiting for all the right words to come flowing out, but nothing that comes to mind seems sufficient enough to describe what I have been through these past few months. Recently I made the decision to call off my engagement with a man I had been dating for the past few years. It was beyond the hardest and most painful thing I have yet to experience, but I can say with full confidence that it was the best decision that I have ever made.
A few weeks after we became engaged and all the wedding excitement had worn off, I began to have some uncomfortable doubts about our relationship and future together. The moment I found myself thinking about these concerns I would almost immediately dismiss them and switch my attention to things that were much easier to deal with (cake, dress, guest list, etc.). One day I was reading in our pre-marital counseling book and I actually caught myself skipping an entire section because I subconsciously knew it would make me look at all the things I had been fighting so hard to avoid. It was in that moment that I realized how badly I needed to separate my emotions from the situation and take a look at the bigger picture before me.
First let me say that everyone has some concerns before they get married. Marriage is by far the biggest decision that we will ever make. If you’re walking into a marriage with nothing but butterflies, then chances are you’re taking marriage too lightly. My own personal concerns were not just feelings of “cold feet”; they were legitimate problems that I knew wouldn’t be solved by getting married. After many sleepless nights and much debate, I knew in my heart that this wasn’t the person or the relationship I was ready to commit my life to. So I decided to end our engagement.
Even though I knew without question that this was exactly what I needed to be doing, I almost let my concerns for what others might think hinder me from going through with my decision. I was BEYOND terrified of my friends and family’s response. Can’t lie, having to tell everyone about my decision turned out to be even worse than what I had anticipated. It was a nightmare! With the exception of a few, my friends and family were completely shocked and therefore questioned my judgment. Aside from the actual break up itself, this was by far the most difficult part of the whole process. Ugh, I feel sick just thinking about it. Looking back now I see that all the opposition that I first endured came only out of love and concern for my well being. At the time however I pretty much felt all alone.
The only reason that I’m even making myself open up these wounds to write this is because I’m hoping that maybe some good can come out of my mistakes. Alex told me a few weeks ago that he has 2-4 couples a year who end up calling off their engagement. Somehow I let myself think that I was the only person in history who ever broke off an engagement. It’s so important for people to know that ending an engagement is NOT the end of the world! It may feel like it at that time, but wouldn’t you rather hurt for a few months than for the rest of your life? It doesn’t matter how far along in the wedding planning process you are, people will understand. What matters is that you do what is best for you and say to hell with everything else. Love is more than just a feeling, it is a choice. We get where we are in life by making choices. So take a look at where you are and choose how your future will be.
It may seem like this entire experience of mine is completely depressing, but the truth is I feel more encouraged about my future now than I ever have. Thanks to all who supported me and encouraged me to continue seeking God’s best for my life. I see many great things ahead and I’m looking forward to love. Best of luck to all engaged couples out there!!
~ Kristin
Marriage is one of the most wonderfully hard relationships that you will ever have. If you have any doubts or questions at all, NOW is the time to talk about them with someone. Someone who can look at your relationship from the outside. Someone whom you respect and admire. Someone who has been married for more than 5 years who will give you honest feedback; even if it hurts.
There is no rule that says once you take engagement photos you have passed the point of no return. What’s interesting is that many of my couples that break up, do so while going through premarital counseling. I can not recommend this enough. WeVowNow offers some great programs and there are tons of other services out there. The purpose of these programs are typically twofold. They help prepare you for what being married is all about, but they also help you realize if you are even ready to get married.
Big weddings, pretty photos, and cute save the dates do not prepare you for being married. Sitting down and talking, studying, and learning about marriage helps you prepare for being married. I hurt for my couples when they break up. I am aware of the pain they are going through and I hear it in their voices. But, I also know that as Kristin said, “wouldn’t you rather hurt for a few months than for the rest of your life?”
Marriage is an amazing journey, but it’s also a long and difficult one at times. Sitting down and asking the tough questions now, can save you even more pain and heartache down the road.
Thank you, Kristin, for opening up your heart and sharing your story with us.
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A few books and resources for ALL my couples out there.
WeVowNow (Start here, do everything they say to do.)
Sacred Marriage
The Five Love Languages
Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts
Capture His Heart / Capture Her Heart
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7 comments
Thanks for sharing this! I, too, broke an engagement but I was not as brave as this blogger. We ended up marrying when I was only 18, then he ended up having multiple affairs and kicking me out of our home. He remarried a few months later and already has gotten another separation. If only I would have listened closer to God when He was warning me. The pain in those few days following a broken engagement can’t possibly compare with the pain after the divorce… On top of that, there are the wounds of a failed marriage that will forever be a part of me.
The good news is that I found a wonderful, understanding man who asked me to be his wife. The thing that interested me MOST in him was his commitment to God, THEN the other common foundations– family, finances, etc. We went to premarital classes, post-marital classes, church, prayer groups, life groups… He agrees with me that love is a decision, and we have “decided” to love each other forever whether we “feel” that way or not. My marriages have been like night and day.
I’ll be forever grateful for the way things have turned out. …and I’ll spend my life trying to keep young adults from making the mistake.
If you don’t want to read any “boring”
non-fiction marriage books but you DO like to read fiction, I HIGHLY recommend to anyone– married, engaged, or single– the Baxter Family series by Karen Kingsbury. It starts with “Redemption.”
Amazing article, Alex. It’s great to see somebody who’s a wedding photographer, who posts on subjects dealing with reality like you do, versus only about promotion, like some people can tend to do. Keep it up, and thanks for doing so!
–Matt
Thanks so much for posting this. VOW exsists to help lower the divorce rate in East Texas – both by counseling couples in trouble AND by doing pre-marital counseling. I will print this out and hand it out to anyone questioning if they are making the right choice. It’s so easy to by-pass the hard work you need to put into your relationship and focus on the fun details of the day, but that day won’t sustain you for the rest of your married life; for that you need some skills. We teach communication, conflict resolution, financial management, goal setting and other skills to help you have a awesome life together. Please go to our site, http://www.wevownow.com or call me at (903) 261-7125 if you want to talk somemore about what’s posted here.
Thank you so much for writing about this Kristin! We have quite a few couples who cancel their weddings, and while it does mean missed income for us, I’m without fail relieved for the couple. And I admire the guts it takes to call an engagement off.
Wow. Thanks Alex & Kristin for doing this. Around the time Joe & I did our engagement session (and then shortly after that in the fall) we were going through a really rough spot in our relationship. And there in that fall, we almost broke it off…there were just a LOT of issues that needed to be worked through, both personally & together. Thankfully, God showed us that we were meant to be together, and we just needed to work on some things & really build up our relationship…and as cliche as it sounds, we’re now stronger than ever. We’ve really grown a lot through this engagement period, and I’m so excited to move forward into our marriage. I know God has great things in store for us.
I do appreciate this post though, because if breaking it off with Joe HAD been the right thing for us, I really think reading this would’ve helped. I was like you, Kristin, who thought I would be the only one to ever have a broken engagement…as dumb as that sounds…and would’ve REALLY struggled with it (esp. with all the plans that had already been made) and honestly, I don’t know if I would’ve been strong enough to end it if that was what needed to happen. As I said, thankfully God showed me that wasn’t the right thing for our situation…and now our relationship is SO great, we’re more in love than ever, and more excited about this whole process & time in our lives.
I think you’re really brave for coming out with your story like this, and it’s much appreciated…and I’m sure very helpful to those that may be experiencing a similar situation.
Thanks!
Kristin
I can so much relate to what you went thru because I just broke my engagement three months ago. I was in a six year relationship with the person I thought to be my soul mate. I went to pre-marital counseling classes and just like yourself read some very interesting points that made me realize that perhaps my relationship was not ready for that commitment. I can now look back and feel at peace in my heart. I will not deny that tears still come to my eyes, but I know in my heart that it is for the best. I no longer have to go to bed thinking the ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’. I honestly think that my fiance was feeling the same way, but did not have the courage to end it. I too felt that I was the only one to end an engagement, but I see now I was not. Life throws us curve balls and many times we think that because we have been with someone for a long time it results in a happy marriage, that is not true. I believe that we just become comfortable and are afraid of change, we are afraid to see the red flags, we want to pretend they are not there. Trust me love flows, love gives us serenity and more importantly we feel it…to all that read this, “Believe in what your heart tells you and remember a couple months of pain is better than years of agony”
Great post! It is much easier to simply not get married than to end up in a bad relationship for years to come just because you are too proud to admit that the relationship isn’t working. If you do break off an engagement, and end up with the ring as your only remnant of the relationship, there are a number of services that will help you sell the ring and do something much more enjoyable with the money than have a ring sitting in a jewelry box. EngagementRingCycling.com can help you out of a bad situation.